Friendship

One word explains a lot. Friendship, everyone has a different definition of this word. I value this word with my entire heart. I didn't have a big family growing up, I had my sister, my dad and my mom. Once my parents divorced I clung to them. I am still friends with a lot of people from my elementary days, most of them are very close to me till this day. Others well have moved on.

Because of my small family that got torn apart and slowly put back together I have always treated my close friends like family. I was there when my Chase man was born, beat his mother to the hospital and he is now 7 and I still tell him that story. I was there the day (not when but after work) my homie Cadence was born, she is now 3. Weddings, funerals, hand holding after breakups and excitement for new relationships and engagements, these friends are my family.

I never thought that living in Singapore I would have to face the fact that friends are going to become distant to the point where you start questioning everything from what you did to if the person is still okay.

When you are upset, excited, or have nothing better to do you usually call on friends. See what they are up to, ask their opinion on things, talk about everything. Being in Singapore it's a lot harder to do that. When I am sad, excited or have nothing better to do I lean on Dustin. This is what I am suppose to do, he is going to be my husband, he is my best friend. The problem is, everyone can't just rely on their significant others, they go to their best friends, we all need time with our family.

It's hard, people are busy or they don't have much access to internet. Not to mention, I am on the other side of the world. So I send emails, messages on facebook and sometimes, when I am lucky, I get to see them on skype or facetime. I feel like I am being a demanding friend, sending emails, bothering people but I get lonely and just want to check in on my friends and see how they are doing. It's not an every day thing either, it's maybe once a month if that. I have gotten some responses but some I haven't heard from since I moved here. I know, Life gets in the way, people have kids and things like that so that is what makes me think that I am being selfish.

I have no out let here. I have my husband to be but that's about it. I have been upset lately and it was to the point of this morning (the 29th) where all I wanted to do was talk to my mom (I vent to her often), because usually she is just a phone call away, but here, not so much. Thankfully I had a friend online and she was giving me words of advice and hated that I was going though some things. This person was on vacation, took time out of the day to calm me down on their vacation. I have only known this person for three years, I wouldn't have expected that from this person, or anyone for that matter, your on vacation. But I know if roles were reversed, I would be doing the same thing as this person was.

I posted things about how frustrated I was and was amazed at how our friends from Rhode Island were there to ask what they could do. Remember, they were Dustin's friends first but now have become really close to me, to the point of me wanting to move there if I get to take my mom and our neighbor Jason as well. These ladies and guys are so wonderful and have made me feel like family. I couldn't believe that they (yes all of them have kids) would take time out of their busy lives to help with what I needed. I am truly blessed to have become a part of Dustin's Rhode Island family.

The former roomies were there for me too. Honestly miss and love those guys and am lucky we are still such great friends after we have all parted ways residence wise.

I just don't understand why some, just don't try anymore. Like I said, I know life is busy for most, but if you have five minutes to spend on facebook, another five for pintrest, and to check email, wouldn't you have time to send a quick email explaining hey, I got your note, I am so busy I will be getting back to you by such and such time. Miss you. Something like that. Sounds bitchy right? I hate myself for thinking this way.

I have been doing a lot of searching for answers and haven't really come up with one. Quotes have helped me out but I don't have the guts to sit down and doubt friendship with others. Have we truly moved on? We are not the people we once were, we have all chanced in many ways over the years. Some have already cut off ties with me, I have no idea why. No warning, just poof no long friends on facebook and no longer want anything to do with me. I was so sad because I kept thinking, what have I done, what can I do to fix this. This person has been my friend for years, there must be something I can do. But then, is it worth it? They didn't want to fight to keep the friendship, they just moved on and became mean and hurtful. I will never understand it and am having a hard time moving on.

So how do we do it? How do we just cut ties with people we have known, trusted and treated like family? It's not like I want to burn my bridges, but should I distance myself like some have done? Should I just stop worrying about what others think and do it? I am a worrier, thats what I have done since I was really little (ask my parents). So I worry, what's going on, what do people think, how can I fix myself to be the person they want me to be because I value that friendship that much? How does that make me look then? Why has our friendship faded? Have I become a worse person?

It's easy to answer the questions, if they don't like you then why keep them in your life, don't fight for someone who is not willing to fight for you. The words are easy to say but the actions are harder. To actually cut off a friendship is a lot harder and how do you do it 10,000 miles away. I am afraid that if I distance myself from some, all of them are going to see that and not like it and then I will end up with no friends at all except Dustin. I don't want to put him though that (ha ha) but what do I do? I do have a lot of time on my hands so I over think things, but I guess it will take time to come to the decision of distancing myself from others, we shall see I guess.

Thanks for reading and listening to me vent everyone. I value your friendship and have no idea what I would do with out you all in my life. You all help me become a great person, after all friendship and family help mold a person right? I miss you all and can not wait to be back home and see you all! xoxo